Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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