omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
