Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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