Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
