Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
