She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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