just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
