He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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