Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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