Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
