Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
