Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
