God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
