ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
