Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
