Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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