Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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