I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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