can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
