No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
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You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You pole danced in your parka.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
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I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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