you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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