I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
