I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
