I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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