i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I lost the right to judge tonight
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
