Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
