We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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