I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
