He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
