WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
