This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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