good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
