Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
