I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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