We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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