Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
