Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
