Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
