Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
