one word: firstdatebathroomanal
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
only you would photoshop your dick
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
