Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
