I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
