I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
