I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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