Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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