Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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