this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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