i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
