i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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