i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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