I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
