That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
