who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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