I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
