I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
