Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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