i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
