remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
