me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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