Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
